For the last six years, I have been struggling with myself. I don’t know who I am beyond my trauma. I got so comfortable with all the negativity and all the terrible things that have wreaked havoc in my life.

I even went to the lengths of trying a mind-altering substance. Nothing too crazy, but to me, it was something so bad. Mind you, I never wanted to drink because of my dad and all the trauma he caused with his alcohol addiction.

Story Time: The Addiction

I tried a nicotine vape for the first time back in 2019. I thought I was so cool—being underage and buying something illegally. (Vaping isn’t cool, and I don’t condone it.) I would go through one vape every month for about four months. Then things at home got worse, so what did I do? I turned to the only thing that made me feel- well- almost normal. No anxiety. I wasn’t so depressed. It was almost like vaping gave me a reason to live. (Sounds a little dramatic but trust me- it wasn’t.)

After a few months went by, I started spending more and more on vapes. I felt like they were “curing” me— or so I thought.

One morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and thought, “Man, I look different. I look so skinny. What happened?”

Vaping is what happened. It made me sick. I would wake up in the middle of the night and have to take a puff, and as soon as I woke up in the morning, I had to take another. My body needed it. If I didn’t take a puff, I felt like I was drowning. The worst part was that I had to hide it from my parents. If they ever found out, they would flip out. So, I hid my addiction—an addiction that had me by the throat.

I tried stopping. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t. It made me feel whole. It made me throw up all the food I ate anytime I ate, which felt “great” at the time because I kept getting skinnier and skinnier. (I now know this was terrible for my health.)

I did this for about three years. For those three years, I had everything I thought I wanted— no anxiety, and I was skinny. I became obsessed with weighing myself. There was something about seeing the number on the scale go down and down. I had never weighed myself before because I never really cared.

I got down to 140 pounds. It doesn’t sound like much, but to me, it was terrible. You could see my ribs. I was so thin.

During those three years, my vaping addiction only got worse. I would go through a vape with 10,000 puffs in one week. For those of you who don’t know— that’s awful. I started feeling sickly and extremely lethargic. I genuinely couldn’t keep food down.

I couldn’t tell anyone because it was a secret. My friends knew I vaped, but what they didn’t know was that I barely ate, and when I did, I would be vomiting within the next 15 minutes. I didn’t know what was wrong with me— I just dealt with it.

I eventually tried to stop this addiction. I failed time after time. I knew the addiction would win, so what was the point of even trying to quit?

Eventually, I did quit. How? I found a wonderful boyfriend who didn’t support this addiction. If I wanted to be with him, I had to stop vaping. He was so perfect—I couldn’t let him go. When I was with him, I felt almost free from my addiction. I thought to myself, Maybe I should quit to make this relationship work.

One day, I called my friend to buy me a vape— she was the one who got them for me. She couldn’t get me one that day, and I panicked. How was I going to get a vape?! I was determined. I posted on my Snapchat story asking if anyone could buy me one. One of my old friends said she would. I paid $50 for a $15 vape because I was desperate.

I met her at the gas station. After that, I went to say hi to my boyfriend at his apartment. We were outside, and I opened the vape—and guess what? It didn’t work. I couldn’t get anything out of it. I was crushed.

My boyfriend said, “Maybe it’s a sign from God that you need to stop.”  Something clicked in my head. I told him to take the vape and do whatever he wanted with it. I was done.

He grabbed it and smashed it on the ground. I was shocked. I was upset—but I was also so relieved. The weight of hiding it disappeared instantly.

The next few days were the worst days of my life. Nicotine withdrawals are real, and they are brutal— especially when you still have to hide what you’re going through. My boyfriend was incredible. He truly became my strength and comfort.

 

Story Time #2: Being Vulnerable

I started birth control in 2022, and I regret it deeply. It has caused me to gain over 60 pounds. I hate the way I look. I feel ugly and broken. My emotions feel completely out of control.

I can’t just stop taking birth control because I don’t want to bear children yet— maybe in a few years, but not now. Honestly, I wouldn’t wish this pill on my worst enemy. It has completely changed my life. I feel crazy.

I wish I could go back to my old ways, but I know I’ve come too far to fall back. I recently weighed myself after being on birth control for three years. I was disappointed, disgusted, and devastated. I’ve been told the weight gain is “happy weight” from being in a loving relationship. Some of it might be— but most of it came from water retention caused by this pill.

I weighed 219 pounds. Two hundred and nineteen pounds. I felt sick.

I knew something had to change. On Monday, January 12, 2026, I decided to change. I started tracking my calories and working out every day again. I still have moments of weakness, but I have a wonderful boyfriend who supports me and remains steady when I feel unsteady. He is my everything, and I truly couldn’t do this without him.

Just today, I had a meltdown at the gym. I looked at myself in the mirror and hated what I saw. I only had 30 minutes to work out, and my dad had gifted me a pizza. When my boyfriend and I got home, he prayed over me while I sobbed in his arms. A wave of calm came over me. I knew everything was going to be okay.

If you take anything away from this, let it be this: weight loss takes time, addiction is real, and kindness matters. You never know what someone is going through.